Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
