I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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