apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
