i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
