I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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