Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
