I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
