I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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