Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
