does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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