She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
