You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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