I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My life is pants optional.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
