I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
