I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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