What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring money and cleavage
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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