Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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