i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
