Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
