just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We had sex on a dog bed..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
