Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
