dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
