I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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