im about as happy as oj after his trial
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
