You smell like a Billy Joel song
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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