the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
