Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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