everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
