Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
