Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
