party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
