I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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