I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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