wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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