Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
