I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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