The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
