ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
