She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.