In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
