I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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