96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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