I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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