It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
That was before I lit my hair on fire
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
