The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
