I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Less talking, more tequila
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
