Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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