Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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