Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
