Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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