I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
