I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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