i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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