at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
