got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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