It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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