if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm like, not good at living.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
