I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
