I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
